Not Right

I don’t write much more. I had a better way to express my feelings… sadly, because of my own immature actions, I have lost that. I always had a feeling that things I saw as a child would affect my relationship with woman. I never knew they would affect them this much. I’ve turned into something I hated. Everything I’m worth as a person, is completely erased because of my cowardly actions in the heat of the moment. Somebody gave themselves to me wholeheartedly, but that was not enough. My valid insecurities as a child have turned into scary delusional insecurities as a man. I’m uncomfortable even calling myself a man because of them. When my Tata passed away, he told me that I was a man, and I always held on to that. That has been taken away by myself. I’m still an insecure, troubled little boy, with desires that are unrealistic and just plain stupid. Luz was just that… She was the light in an otherwise dark place, that is my heart. She was the beauty that, evened out all the ugly inside of me. She gave me things that she wouldn’t even understand she gave me. She showed me that it was okay to give someone your all, and be willing to drop it all to save that person from just one tear drop. That is why this is so troubling, because even after all that she showed me, I still couldn’t control. I love her like I’ve never loved before, and I know she loves me the same. Thank you Lucie. You are the perfection, that gives me hope for myself. I love you.


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September 2011
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